Ravishing Rick Haiku

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-25T08:52:00.003-04:00

Brian Cardinal

Our first currently active White Guy, Brian Cardinal would surely have made this list no matter what NBA era he played in. Fortunately for us, the advantage of playing during the Internet Age is that evidence of your unathleticism, facemask-wearing, and relative comic ineptitude (or if you're a hack sportswriter, "hustle", "grit", and "court intelligence") is available online.

Let's step through "The Custodian"'s qualifications for the Alabaster Hall:

Wore a facemask

Grimaced on the court to indicate he was trying as hard as possible

Cheated in an attempt to hang with far superior athletes

Those are great, but the clincher for Cardinal has to be this comically mismatched "highlight" reel. If the best tape on you includes ill-advised layups, fundamental defense, and jumpers of 17 feet or more, chances are you are either white or a WNBA All-Star.

Check out this post as David Stern intended at ravishingrickhaiku.blogspot.com

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-10T13:06:00.003-05:00

Will Perdue

Will's Resume

The Sports Guy Bill Simmons has proposed changing Hall of Fames to a pyramid structure in order to properly separate those athletes that represent the very Best of the Best, the Icons of the Game. In the NBA White Guy Hall of Fame Pyramid (Location: Kenosha, WI), Will Perdue occupies the pinnacle.

Never a star, rarely a starter, but a four-time NBA Champion, Perdue filled the proverbial White Stat Sheet, averaging under 5 points and 5 rebounds for his career, wearing stupid face masks, getting Posterized by Superior Athletes, and Gosh Dang It Just Winning Championships.

Perdue's career represents the absolute ceiling of an NBA White Guy. Something young basketball fans in suburban Private School gyms across the US can strive for.

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-09T11:11:00.003-05:00

Chuck Nevitt

Chuck's Resume

While somewhat of a novelty at 7'5'', Chuck Nevitt's undeniable whiteness makes him a shoo-in for this tribute list. Some of the most robust NBA White Guy Attributes are thin stature, comically short shorts, and thick, lustrous mustaches, all of which Chuck sported in spades.

Despite finding himself on an NBA court for only 826 glorious minutes, Chuck Nevitt standing next to Manute Bol remains the signature Image of Awkwardness of the modern era NBA.

Something To Think About This Weekend

2010-03-05T18:03:00.002-05:00

Look we are still trying to figure out what kind of content to post on this blog. We dont want to be some shitty website that just gathers other links from the internet and adds some pithy commentary (I'm looking at you cnn.com and npr.org). We really want to challenge our readership's mind and give you something to think about.

Answer this question for me

You have a time machine but in order to go back in time you have to make a pitstop to watch yourself be conceived. You will be like the Ghost of Christmas Past and will see the entire sexual act but your parents cannot see you. Once your have finished watching your parents consummate the act you will be free to travel to any one destination and back to the present time. If you were created in a test tube or a petri dish, this time machine is not interested in you and you will be unable to partake. Do you use it?

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-05T17:42:00.004-05:00

Jon Koncak

Jon's Resume

Call it apocryphal. Call it revisionist history. Call it "making things up". But most scholars maintain that Jon Koncak is the Jackie Robinson of White Guys in the NBA. He wasn't a novelty like Shawn Bradley or flashy like The Birdman or even a glue guy like Greg Kite. No, Koncak broke the Talent Barrier for White Guys, proving over his eleven year career that there would always be a role on NBA teams for oafish cornbread to average less than five points a game and eat some minutes while the guys who got paid to win games grabbed a breather.

Johnny Contract even brought a dose of the real world to the NBA in 1989 when he signed a 6 year, $13 million deal that paid him more than two more qualified brothers named Magic and MJ. Also, as if he wasn't white enough, he's an Eagle Scout.

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-05T09:01:00.004-05:00

Marty Conlon

Marty's Resume

Marty Conlon shot 687 free throws in his sallow nine year career, each one of which caused every black guy in the area to laugh and shake their heads. Remember that time when you were 11 and shooting around alone in your yard and your Mom came out to play with you because she thought you were lonely and didn't want you to grow up to be a serial killer? Remember how she shot free throws? She got her form from watching Marty Conlon.

As if to seal his position in Caucasian Celebration, Marty was named captain of the Irish National Team after his NBA career ended, where his free throws were mocked considerably less frequently.

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-04T16:28:00.006-05:00

Greg Kite

Greg's Resume

Greg Kite is a first ballot White Guy Hall of Famer. His Pallid career spanned two decades, in which he was both Mustachioed-and-Wavy Hair White AND Musclebound-With-Flat-Top White.

Our more tenacious fans will note that the Flat Top picture comes from the site "FamousMormons.com", which in itself qualifies an NBA player for the Caucasian Celebration.

Time To Realize My Destiny

2010-03-04T12:22:00.004-05:00

I believe in God. I believe that I was put on earth to do something, to do God's work. Now, after watching LOST and UVA basketball on back to back nights, I am 100% confident that my destiny is to fix UVA basketball. If Craig Littlepage and the momos on UVA Board of Trustees follow my simple 5 point plan, UVA players will be celebrating national championships and getting arrested for illegally owning guns in no time.

1. Banish Will Sherrill and Calvin Baker. Not just from the team but from the state and hopefully the country. These talentless losers have no business being members of our society and under no circumstances should they playing intercollegiate athletics, unless they are playing murderball for the University of Tehran (I am not talking about the cute, inspiring, paraplegic game. I am talking about some sort of fucked up post- apocalyptic Iranian game where these two have to make shots under the threat of machine gun fire ala ‘Escape from L.A.’). If Calvin Baker played basketball like George lived his life in "The Opposite" he would be a 2nd team all-American. Since we know that every single basketball impulse he has in his stupid fucking body is wrong the opposite must be right.

2. Make public humiliation and shame cornerstones of the program. We need to emulate Kentucky and Kansas in this respect. If you fuck up the end of the game at Kansas, Dr. Bill Self will shit all over the Hippocratic Oath by doctoring your medical records to show that you have genital herpes and reveal those records to the entire student body. In Kentucky, if you fuck up, you know that John Calipari will, with his own hands, mangle your genitalia and take a picture of it and send it to every girl that you have ever considered or would consider sleeping with. Currently at UVA, a similar offense will get you a Venti Peppermint Latte at the Alderman Library Greenberry's from your Women's Studies TA. Simple solution: exhume Sam Kinison and make him Team Psychologist

3. Only recruit orphans. This is really simple. UVA recruits kids from good homes whose parents hug them and have jobs and marriages and career goals. Fuck that. When a kid has a family, how do you know where their loyalties lie? We need our players to depend on us for food, shelter, and FAMILY. Once we have them completely dependent on us we will hold their scholarships over their head like the sword of Damacles.

4. Offer a masters program and doctorate in AAU basketball coaching. We can even give AAU coaches honorary degrees or honorary tracksuits at halftime as well as busts that sit in the JPJ for as long as their players go to UVA. Then once their stars leave, the busts and tracksuits are removed until they provide another star recruit.

5. Use Mustapha Farrakhan’s ties to the Nation of Islam to our advantage. UVA needs to fill the entire front row under each end of the basket with militant black men who just stare angrily and have their arms crossed. That alone has to be good for a 10 point swing against Duke

Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys

2010-03-04T11:09:00.004-05:00

Bobby Hansen

Bobby's Resume

Close your eyes. Picture the stereotypical white NBA player. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Tight Jazz shorts, milky white thighs. He is from somewhere ordinary like Des Moines, Iowa. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? Bobby Hansen? Wrong. It's Chuck D. Surprised? Well shame on you.

As Refreshing as A Cool Breeze Up Your Skirt On a Hot Savannah Evening

2010-02-20T17:47:00.005-05:00

Dick Francis: a life in pictures

I retired from blogging a few years ago. At the time I stated that I would not blog or write again while renowned author and former champion jockey Dick Francis was still alive. Well now Dick is dead and I am back to pick up the pieces, write mystery novels about horse racing, and blog about Jack Palance's sexual conquests and other issues of national importance.

Five Reasons to Not Assume UVA Basketball is Overrated

2010-01-19T17:06:00.002-05:00

So UVA basketball beat UNC Wilmington last night, it's 8th straight win, and currently stands atop the ACC at 3-0. Normally, this would be cause for Richard Jewell-esque hysteria as we wondered when the axe would fall and somehow the season would turn for the worst. I say this time is different. Here's some reasons why:

1) The Cville Thunderin' Nerd Herd won 4 ACC games last year. This year's squad is 75% of the way to equaling last year's tranny pageant of a conference win total. In the 100 mile-long sliding scale of UVA athletics, that has to be worth something

2) UVA is 10-1 at home this season. They have upset 3 top-25 teams at the JPJ. With six home games left, it's reasonable to assume at least a split in those games. Toss in a win at BC, Va Tech, and Miami, and you're looking at a 9-7 regular season and a first-day bye at the ACC Tournament. Again, a long way to go, but still the best prospects since before Travis Watson trucked off to make his fortune at Armani Jeans Milano.

3) Apparently in 2007 Tony Bennett tried to fight Tim Floyd in the tunnel to the locker rooms after a Wazzu game vs. USC. Awesome.

4) Jamil Tucker is no longer gayin' up the locker room

I've Got a Favre, And the Only Prescription is More Deep Ball

2007-10-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

Be-Wranglered cowboy
Barbaro of Quarterbacks
Is he havin' fun?

You Bring the Fixins', I'll Bring the American Pride

2007-05-25T10:15:00.000-04:00

Once There Was a Girl on Rocky Top, Half Bear the Other Half Cat

2007-02-28T10:13:00.000-05:00

Go Bruce, win that game!
Jump to cheer? I can't. Penis
Peeks from 'neath orange skirt.

Gordon Shumway: An Unauthorized Biography

2007-02-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

Samson's fabled strength,
Untested through sands of time?
Three rise to challenge.

Muscled strongmen ride
Smell of musk, sinewy arms
Their strength conquers all

100 Million Dollars for the Japanese Louie Anderson is a steal

2007-02-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

World Series Success
Equal parts pitching, hitting,
Fatso Chinamen

Ravishing Rick Rankings : 50 Most Ravishing Rick Basketball Players (John Amechi not included)

2007-02-14T16:11:00.000-05:00

Break from form for a second here. We got this idea from FreeDarko. Basically its a list of the 50 most RavishingRick players playing right now.

A little insight into the selection process

1
Artest, Ron Sacramento Kings
2
James, LeBron Cleveland Cavaliers
3
Arenas, Gilbert Washington Wizards
4
Bryant, Kobe Los Angeles Lakers
5
Biedrins, Andris Golden State Warriors
6
Iverson, Allen Denver Nuggets
7
Randolph, Zach Portland Trail Blazers
8
Jackson, Stephen Golden State Warriors
9
Ming, Yao Houston Rockets
10
Anthony, Carmelo Denver Nuggets
11
Nash, Steve Phoenix Suns
12
Wade, Dwyane Miami Heat
13
Smith, J.R. Denver Nuggets
14
Balkman, Renaldo New York Knicks
15
Durant, Kevin
16
Garnett, Kevin Minnesota Timberwolves
17
Bosh, Chris Toronto Raptors
18
Oden, Greg
19
Wells, Bonzi Houston Rockets
20
Wallace, Rasheed Detroit Pistons
21
Nowitzki, Dirk Dallas Mavericks
22
Carter, Vince New Jersey Nets
23
Boykins, Earl Milwaukee Bucks
24
McGrady, Tracy Houston Rockets
25
Smith, Josh Atlanta Hawks
26
Paul, Chris NO/Oklahoma City Hornets
27
Abdur-Rahim, Shareef Sacramento Kings
28
Odom, Lamar Los Angeles Lakers
29
Villanueva, Charlie Milwaukee Bucks
30
Howard, Dwight Orlando Magic
31
Daniels, Marquis Indiana Pacers
32
Davis, Baron Golden State Warriors
33
Butler, Caron Washington Wizards
34
Lee, David New York Knicks
35
Johnson, Joe Atlanta Hawks
36
Miller, Mike Memphis Grizzlies
37
Redd, Michael Milwaukee Bucks
38
Robinson, Nate New York Knicks
39
Ellis, Monta Golden State Warriors
40
O'Neal, Jermaine Indiana Pacers
41
Okur, Mehmet Utah Jazz
42
Curry, Eddy New York Knicks
43
Milicic, Darko Orlando Magic
44
Telfair, Sebastian Boston Celtics
45
Kapono, Jason Miami Heat
46
Griffin, Eddie Minnesota Timberwolves
47
Alston, Rafer Houston Rockets
48
Radmanovic, Vladimir Los Angeles Lakers
49
Davis, Ricky Minnesota Timberwolves
50
Haslem, Udonis Miami Heat

Court TV: More Breaking FUPA News

2007-02-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

Chaz Weis is Fat and Salty

If it please the court:
Ten pounds of shit. Five pound bag.
Coach Weis is guilty.

The Ralph Fiennes Fan Club and the Mile High Club are One and the Same

2007-02-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

Sleeping with Ralph Fiennes at 37,000 feet can do wonders for your career.

A little girl's dream:
Stewardess blouse covered in
Constant Garnder's seed.

Breaking FUPA News: Out with the old, in with the new

2007-02-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

Wade Phillips looks on dissaprovingly at what we can only assume is his daughter engaging in sexual acts with multiple San Diego Chargers.

Goal as coach: Play D,
Run Ball, Stop daughter from TO
Romo Gangbanging

Ravishing Rick Fan Appreciation Day

2007-02-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

We wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of our fans who have taken the time to post feedback in our comments section. Your comments are extremely valuable and truly make posting on these here tubes of internets and ebays worthwhile. We are eternally grateful for your continued support.

The following comments were left on 2/4.

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Your true devotion
And kind words are uplifting.
Thank you, my good friends.

In life, it's wise. To
Allign oneself with allies.
For mine I say thanks.

Bill Walton's Mind: Excuse Our Mess

2007-02-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

Let your conscience be free

Sing. Whisper. Lyrics.
Segues like a cement wall
Best podcast on Earth

Is it Wet Out There, or is it Just Your Mom?

2007-02-05T10:10:00.000-05:00

Halftime of Big Game.
Prince just made your Mom's pants moist.
And your Dad? Boner.

Ancient Conflicts Remembered

2007-02-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

With Oscars Season upon us, and to honor Sir Clint Eastwood's efforts in the 2006 movies "Flags of Our Fathers" and "Letters from Iwo Jima", we tell the story of the above Ancient Chinese Legend from the perspective of both sides. We hope that you, like us, will forever appreciate this ancient conflict in a new light.

Chick in the Blue

Silent Shadows Slink
A rap at the door. Oh No!
Raiden needs a snack

Pensive Ice Warrior
Protect rations fervently.
Too late. Raiden snacks.

Raiden

Barren stomach guides.
Look at that ho's Frigidaire.
Her snacks will be mine.

Hungry Warrior.
A Distraction I seek.
Knock Knock!! I eat.

Acting! Genuis. Thank You!

2007-02-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

Order Yours Today, Harry Potter fans

Ride Nude, Boy Wizard!
Barbaro's strength rubs your balls.
Actors are so gay

Woke Up This Morning and I Got Myself An Offense

2007-01-30T17:04:00.000-05:00

Behold, the new face of the NBA

Before Dawn of Time
James Nasmith's head broke open
Out came Barone

Sit down, Fratello
Let Barone work his magic
Run, Chucky Atkins

Hey You! Mike Miller.
Score points like Alex English
or you shave my back

The Prophecy of Barbaro and Rainbow Bridge

2007-01-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

Luke 25:1
And Yea, Barbaro Rose Up.
Cherub Pony Rides.

Solomon was wise
Samson was strong, Job patient.
Barbaro ran fast.

The healing process continued

2007-01-30T11:26:00.000-05:00

A warrior's name
Echos through eternity
Goodnight my sweet prince.

As the sky goes dark
We pray the four winds blow you
Safely home. My friend.

Barbaro Destroyed in Firefight by Youth in Asia

2007-01-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

Please leave your thoughts for Barbaro

Taken too early
Actually, I don't know
What is horse lifespan?

Pegasus' first son,
Midwest Widows pine for thee
Cats on a sweatshirt

Jesus' Mighty Steed
Died to save our horse-like sins
Fire and Brimstone Reign

Big Sassy Boss Horse
My sixteen cats and I mourn
Black stirrup pants. Grief.

Barbaro. I weep.
Hey, a duck came back to life!
What's a Barbaro?

Carson Palmer Doesn't Care About Black People

2007-01-25T13:36:00.000-05:00

Carson Palmer is a dirty snitch

Remember this, 9?
KVO sent the message
Next: Shank in kidney

Finky McJudas
Go cornhole something. Let my
Tween date drink Mad Dog

Statutory ain't
No thing. Watch yo back, Carson.
Snitches get stitches

Oscar Preview: More awful hateful posts

2007-01-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

Bravo! Ms Mirren
Your eloquent perfomance
Warms both heart and soul.

Blast from the Past...On Your Daughter's Face

2007-01-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

Oh what a cute dog.
Careful, pops. Where's your daughters?
Depraved Spuds tagteam.

Doug Flutie's Outreach Program

2007-01-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

Sign: "Will coach for food"
Fugazi U needs headlines
Homeless coach for hire

Crackhead coach. Smart Move.
Does what other coaches wont.
Will suck dick for wins

To Be Bruce Pearl, You've Got to Beat Bruce Pearl

2007-01-23T15:06:00.000-05:00

Watch shirtless Bruce Pearl.
Summitt's poison snatch admits,
every panty's moist.

Bruce Pearl is potent.
Nine months from now, baby boom.
Coeds dropped their drawers

Put your hands where I can see them and slowly step away from the coach.

2007-01-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

Can't Touch This

No chance, Jerry Jones
Hands off mustachioed coach.
Pacman's ire awaits

Nothin' But a Gangsta Party

2007-01-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

Calming cup of tea
Sensible slacks from The Gap
Uncle Tom Bowl I

They must have moved Freaknik to Miami this year

2007-01-22T14:53:00.000-05:00

Lovie and Tony
Freaknik on 50 yard line
Watch your wallets son!

A Young Child's Dying Wish (Overheard)

2007-01-19T11:17:00.000-05:00

Please send second stroke
Like a Dudley Death Drop, Lord
Bruschi down for count.

AFC Championship Preview: Die Slow Motherfuckers

2007-01-19T10:54:00.000-05:00

Manning. Belichek.
Bruschi. Seriously, blow me.
This game fucking sucks.

Man Law. Jimmy Johnson, Bruce, and Jesus are BFF.

2007-01-18T15:48:00.000-05:00

Unbreakable bond.
JJ shirtlessly imbibed.
Laugh. Dance. In the Sun.

How 'bout them Cowboys Special Teams Circa 1996??!?

2007-01-18T15:37:00.000-05:00

You call that intense?
The Sultan of Special Teams
Avezzano? Bonnnnng.

He makes Lombardi
Look like a no-talent queer
Avezanno. Bonnnng.

Insightful NFC Championship Preview

2007-01-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

This aint a squash game
Turtlenecks and gross white wife
Cant help Uncle Tom

You can take the Dirtbag out of Cincy, but you can't take the Cincy out of the Dirtbag

2007-01-16T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'm Bobby Huggins
Sure, I'll coach in Manhattan!!!
...Where the fuck am I?

Buffalo Bills: No one circles the wagons like Marv Levy actually did in 1846

2006-09-07T10:44:00.000-04:00

Genesis: Chapter
One. God said "Let there be Marv."
Then Buffalo lost.

This is not a joke.
Your QB is not straight.
He'd kill to blow Favre*

* Losman seriously is gay for Brett Favre. Look it up in Wikipedia.

Viking Quest: Purify yourself in the waters of Fred Smoot's Lake Minnetonka

2006-09-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

Ghost of Mike Tice haunts
Zygi's dreams and Fred Smoot's boat
Shirtless yacht party

We won't miss you, Nate
Oh, Koren's off the wagon?
Bill Joel impression

Sex boat is old news
Chet Taylor and Brad Johnson?
Zygi calls them nerds

Lions: How come I have never seen my cleaning lady and Mike Martz in the same place?

2006-09-06T14:00:00.000-04:00

Winning games takes more
than hiring Mrs Doubtfire
He cant help Kitna

Philadelphia Eagles: You ain't got no future, Todd Pinkston.You're an A-1 nut boy. Grissom knows it

2006-09-06T09:08:00.000-04:00

Andy, I loved when
You played that fat, gross, corrupt,
fat cop in Batman

Terrell Owens, a
homeless man's Donte Stallworth
Hey Len, Where's Stinkson?

It's Najeh's closet, Green Bay is just living in it.

2006-09-01T15:37:00.000-04:00

My God! Whats that smell?
Oh, thats the closet. Najeh's
Just being Najeh

The FUPAs at night are big and bright. Deep in the heart of Texas

2006-09-01T15:26:00.000-04:00

Bill, your bleach blond hair
Sweatshirt and baggy Khakis
Wont hide the FUPA

Breaking News: Raiders Hire Out of Work Hurricane Katrina Refugee Fats Domino To Be Coach.

2006-08-31T14:03:00.000-04:00

Art Shell and Jeff George celebrate their union

Hire Fats Domino
Sign Mullet Hall of famer
Step 3: Win it all.

Art Shell. Jeff George. Art

Shell. Jeff George. Art Shell. Jeff George.

Art Shell. Jeff George. Bonnnnnnnnnng.

Carolina: Wait, Kevin Greene doesn't play anymore?

2006-08-30T15:45:00.000-04:00

Success relies on
DeShaun Foster's vagina
Good luck next year, guys!

Down on the bayou,
Mama Delhomme's gumbo can't
Erase Seahawk loss

3 cock rings in 4 years. not bad

2006-08-29T11:44:00.000-04:00

http://www.deadspin.com/sports/top/men-keep-your-wives-from-bill-belichick-188681.php

Take off your ring, whore
Your husband cant fuck like me.
Service Belichek

You have a husband?
I dont care. Your panties now.
No one fucks like me

I have but one rule
After I make you come, don't
Squirt on my sweatshirt

Hey Secretary
Take off your wedding ring. I'm
Belichek. Cooze Hound

Jacksonville: Teal is the color of the new millennium!!

2006-08-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

Secret to Winning?
Pssst, stockpile black QBs
Jack of the River

No! Fragile Fred broke?
Lou Gherig disease in leg.
LeBrandon Toefield

Tennessee, Tennesseee, Tennessee, Tennessee. Take me to another place, take me to another land.

2006-08-28T14:12:00.000-04:00

A fresh pair of slacks
A mustachioed genius
Call him Coach Goulet

Lendale, Fat? Dont Worry.
As Pacman Jones says, "Hey hey
Hey smoke weed everyday.

Lombardi, Ditka,
Strahm, now Pacman Jones carries
Tradition of Crunk.

Baltimore Ravens

2006-08-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

Do you like my coat?
Supple leather on my skin
Im too smart Trebeck.

Dear Kyle, you dress
And play like you are homeless
Love, Brian Billick

Genius? Yes I am.
Try to solve my defense. Nay.
Ultimate mind fuck.

That 5.7 cant help in running away from the boys in blue

2006-08-15T10:08:00.000-04:00

Crime? Problems? Who Cares

Real story is he looks like

Half- man half -midget

Its been a while

2006-08-15T09:54:00.000-04:00

Sorry its been so long its just I have had so much on my plate lately that I haven't really had a chance to post . Between my pending divorce, my kid getting Lou Gherig's disease and the demands of having to run the newsstand by myself it has been hard to focus on what is truly important. I promise we will be updating with a vengence in the upcoming weeks. Be sure to look out for our exclusive RavishingRickNFL previews where we will cover all 30 or 32 teams indepthly that will post sometime next week.

Pac-10 Preview

2006-07-31T18:44:00.000-04:00

Washington
Black Guy in purple?Too bad its not Prince, just anAwful football coach
California

Courtney Cox agrees
No one cares you went to Cal
Get out of my face

Big 12 Preview

2006-07-31T11:59:00.000-04:00

Baylor, Missouri,

Iowa St., Kansas. The

Big 12 Fuckin blows.

Hey Bruce, Hows KU?
Wins? No clue. My prediction
Cardiac arrest.

NCAA 2007 Preview

2006-07-28T16:38:00.000-04:00

This upcoming football season, we will be offering our RavishingRickNCAAPreview, as a free service to our readers. We begin our 115-team preview in the MEAC.

Bethune-Cookman

Suit looking real sharp
Original King of Coach
Style and profile, son.

Modern Day Aphrodite

2006-07-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

Goddess of rapture,
Your ass sunk a thousand ships
Mad About Your Thong

A Twister of cloth
Gender agrees: Your thong is
As Good As it Gets

Alone in a park
You are with me, cheetah thong
Crumpled jeans scream "why?"

Paul Reiser's fuck toy
I long to reach out and grab
Her sweet sweet sweet can

Nature's soft whisper
"Take off your blue jeans, Helen.
Let the leopard free"

Everytime he writes a column, a puppy goes to Hell

2006-07-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

Do not click this link if you don't know who Chuck Klosterman is. You are not smart enough to get Chuck Klosterman's jokes. Humans are physically incapable of such action.

References to
Post-structuralists? I wretch.
Chuck, I hate your guts

In case you are as blind as Anne Frank

2006-07-26T12:54:00.000-04:00

Sun rises in East.
Tax day is April 15th.
Lance Bass: huge homo.

Das ist Keine Schtockenblocken!!

2006-07-26T09:04:00.000-04:00

I'm a Nowitness
The ghost of Hasselhof moans
"Upgrade your cooze, Dirk"

Strahan Shenanigans. Strahanigans?

2006-07-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

300 Pound Voyeur

Gap-toothed peeping tom
Girls, he voyeurs as you poop
Mike likes your panties

Movie reviews for the weekend

2006-07-21T16:46:00.001-04:00

My love for you is
Like a truck. Berzerker. Do
You want to make fuck?

Cinematic Gold
Yo, Casablanca. Bow Down!
Best Movie EVA

Im Owen, so cute.
Look at my zany antics.
You, me and Dupree

Is it a bird? No.

Is it a plane? No. Just a

Homo in a cape.

The White Jermaine Dupri

2006-07-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

Stevie Canada.
True MBP *. Place your
tongue on his chest hairs

* Editors note: This is not a typo. MBP stands for Most Ballingest Playa not MVP which I am not exactly sure what that stands for.

Adopt-A-Cutlist

2006-07-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Hey Shea, nice baby
Here, take my Nobel Peace Prize
Check the cut list, ass.

I see injured 14 year olds

2006-07-20T09:32:00.000-04:00

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=2215287

Prepubescent star
Nice 95 Saturn, Bro
Have fun in traction

The style we create. Straight 2008.

2006-07-19T16:58:00.000-04:00

Definition. Class:
n. Kevin Federline, a
wolf in sheep's clothing.

Schwarzkopf wants Holyfield!!

2006-07-19T15:00:00.000-04:00

http://www.nba.com/nbae/nbae_rosters.html

The "date" won't be blind
Though my speed will be blinding.
One on one Challenge.

Your jump shot is weak
Name the place and I'll be there
Can't stop my jump hook

No "Pistons" teammates.
My footwork? Impeccable.
You won't draw iron.

Everybody Hates
Chris and The War at Home? No.
Just you versus me

Terrible Lizard, Schmerrible Lizard

2006-07-18T14:29:00.000-04:00

VS

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/features
/cover/news/2000/07/19/everett_flashback/

One Big Skeleton
Carl, what you think it is?
"Man, that dog is huge"

Carl Everett? Who?
Let me read Leviticus...
Nope, he don't exist.

Look at the picture he is really crying.

2006-07-18T12:09:00.000-04:00

Oh Gods of baseball
NL East bows before thee
Slay Chipper's first son.

Sexy Beast

2006-07-17T14:18:00.000-04:00

He lurks through the wild
Shhhh!.Quiet, you can hear him
Invent internet.

In my world I'll break your face

2006-07-17T12:06:00.000-04:00

Patterson. Brisco.
Sleeveless referee jersey
What you got? No chance.

You know what really grinds my gears?

2006-07-17T11:23:00.000-04:00

How far is heaven?
Get off of my radio
And get a real job

Escucha Amigo
Tu me hace enfermo
Stop smiling Asshole

Inflated Pigskins, beware

2006-07-17T09:56:00.000-04:00

Dubuque to Des Moines
You're with Tom, leather helmet.
The Best Damn Hawkeye

Buffie the Body better Call Somebody

2006-07-14T16:29:00.000-04:00

Sir Mix-A-Lot knew
Ahead of his time...BUFFY
Yearn to spread the cheeks

Buns of steel? That's lame.
King magazine's best-seller
Redefines beauty.

A true friend and more importantly a true gentleman

2006-07-14T16:18:00.000-04:00

Mythic warrior
Barbaro, my only friend
The bell tolls for thee

White She-Devil Strikes Again

2006-07-13T12:23:00.000-04:00

http://cbs13.com/topstories/topstories_story_180174619.html

Undercover bro?
Not me. I'm riding dirty
Lookit them titties

Man, I am so bored.
Manipulate genitals?
Porn's best at 60.

Captain Coppola's Mandolin

2006-07-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

His boundless beauty
Tugs at heartstrings and melts ore.
I must draw Nick Cage.

Bumbling Stumbling Tumbling

2006-07-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

Drunk, Sweaty, Hulking

Bhhmp. Bhhmp. Bhhmp.* I stalk my pray

I'm now with leather.

I take leather home

From behind. Pull out on her

Back Back Back Back Back

Looking for leather

Sausage Party?!?!?! How bout a

BJ, Bill Pidto?

*Editors note. These are the same noises that Mike Alstott makes on a 3 yard run up the middle.

Has it really been one year?

2006-07-12T11:33:00.000-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8501450/

Allow me to break form for a moment.

We live in a world rife with uncertainty. With the threat of terrorism always looming above our daily lives, we face difficult decisions on how to manage our grief, but continue to press on. Is even one year too soon? How long should a society suffer in silence? At what point must we attempt to move on with our lives? These are all questions that would run through my head as I tossed and turned during countless sleepless nights over the past year. Has it really been a year since they almost took Omarion away from us? Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have bad days, but I think it is finally time to discuss the tragic events of last year in a public forum. Below is my journal from the past twelve months. Please join me in honoring one of our true heroes and his triumph over the Axis of Evil.

July, 2005
Oh what a dark day.
Many lie dead in the streets.
Who cares? He's still fly.

August, 2005
Osama, nice try.
Your best shot. Hes still alive
B2K 4 life

September, 2005
Why must god be cruel.
Leave Omarion behind.
Take my only son

October, 2005
Tragedy? For Sure
Some say its not a big deal
Watch You Got Served

November, 2005
The war on terror
Its all too real now. Do not
Mess with R + B

December, 2005
Omarion is fine.
By the grace of God. But still,
Please pray for his soul

January, 2006
A bomb? Who died? Oh.
Is Omarion okay?
Whew! That was too close.

February, 2006
World's best publicist.
I demand to know his health!!
R and B lives on.

March, 2006
Hey you! Terrorist!
Take all of the Brits you want.
Leave Omarion.

April, 2006
Loud noise. Flash of light.
Panic. Chaos. My first thought:
How's Omarion?

May, 2006
Ask yourself, Saddam,
Seventy virgins are worth
No Omarion?

June, 2006
Omarion's Fine!!
What? Other folks in London?
Shut up, no one cares

The Ballad of Don Canada

2006-07-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

Nice body, ho-bag
Here, take these genital warts
I'm Ron Mexico

Ode to Big Johnson Part Deux

2006-07-11T15:07:00.000-04:00

Cut off jean shorts. Check
Hat with a ponytail. Check.
Need Big Johnson T.

The greatest video game ever

2006-07-11T15:00:00.000-04:00

Hey,you old pervert,

Why you at computer? Oh,

Leisure Suit Larry

Ode to Big Johnson

2006-07-11T14:56:00.000-04:00

Seems tame? Look again.
Big Johnson. Double entendree.
Poker in the rear.

Most Anticipated Movie of the Summer

2006-07-11T13:38:00.000-04:00

Left on your doorstep.

He is quite the thief. Careful,

He will fuck your wife.

CP is you with me?

2006-07-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

Basement stripper pole.

Raspberry beret. I joke.

Regardless, Touchdowns.

CP, you crazy!!

Sweatshirt under my sport coat

Go on with those jokes!

The Modern-Day Aphrodite

2006-07-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

The deaf angel sits
Human perfection, she is
Foxy Brown? Sexy.

Charles in Charge

2006-07-10T14:53:00.000-04:00

Villanueva
Mom. Dad. Bros 1 and 2. Smile!!!
Beautiful Family.

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

2006-07-10T14:13:00.000-04:00

Don't be afraid. Why?
Haiku ruckus to your dome
Feel free to comment.

Keep with the pattern
It is 5-7-5. Do not
Dishonor my craft.

Also, never write
About nature or the wind
Shove it, tree-hugger

First times a charm

2006-07-10T11:26:00.000-04:00

1 white linen suit
plus 1 beautiful moustache
thats how you stay fly