Thursday, March 04, 2010

Time To Realize My Destiny

I believe in God. I believe that I was put on earth to do something, to do God's work. Now, after watching LOST and UVA basketball on back to back nights, I am 100% confident that my destiny is to fix UVA basketball. If Craig Littlepage and the momos on UVA Board of Trustees follow my simple 5 point plan, UVA players will be celebrating national championships and getting arrested for illegally owning guns in no time.

1. Banish Will Sherrill and Calvin Baker. Not just from the team but from the state and hopefully the country. These talentless losers have no business being members of our society and under no circumstances should they playing intercollegiate athletics, unless they are playing murderball for the University of Tehran (I am not talking about the cute, inspiring, paraplegic game. I am talking about some sort of fucked up post- apocalyptic Iranian game where these two have to make shots under the threat of machine gun fire ala ‘Escape from L.A.’). If Calvin Baker played basketball like George lived his life in "The Opposite" he would be a 2nd team all-American. Since we know that every single basketball impulse he has in his stupid fucking body is wrong the opposite must be right.

2. Make public humiliation and shame cornerstones of the program. We need to emulate Kentucky and Kansas in this respect. If you fuck up the end of the game at Kansas, Dr. Bill Self will shit all over the Hippocratic Oath by doctoring your medical records to show that you have genital herpes and reveal those records to the entire student body. In Kentucky, if you fuck up, you know that John Calipari will, with his own hands, mangle your genitalia and take a picture of it and send it to every girl that you have ever considered or would consider sleeping with. Currently at UVA, a similar offense will get you a Venti Peppermint Latte at the Alderman Library Greenberry's from your Women's Studies TA. Simple solution: exhume Sam Kinison and make him Team Psychologist

3. Only recruit orphans. This is really simple. UVA recruits kids from good homes whose parents hug them and have jobs and marriages and career goals. Fuck that. When a kid has a family, how do you know where their loyalties lie? We need our players to depend on us for food, shelter, and FAMILY. Once we have them completely dependent on us we will hold their scholarships over their head like the sword of Damacles.

4. Offer a masters program and doctorate in AAU basketball coaching. We can even give AAU coaches honorary degrees or honorary tracksuits at halftime as well as busts that sit in the JPJ for as long as their players go to UVA. Then once their stars leave, the busts and tracksuits are removed until they provide another star recruit.

5. Use Mustapha Farrakhan’s ties to the Nation of Islam to our advantage. UVA needs to fill the entire front row under each end of the basket with militant black men who just stare angrily and have their arms crossed. That alone has to be good for a 10 point swing against Duke


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