Monday, July 31, 2006

Pac-10 Preview


Black Guy in purple?
Too bad its not Prince, just an
Awful football coach


Courtney Cox agrees
No one cares you went to Cal
Get out of my face

Big 12 Preview

Baylor, Missouri,
Iowa St., Kansas. The
Big 12 Fuckin blows.

Hey Bruce, Hows KU?
Wins? No clue. My prediction
Cardiac arrest.

Friday, July 28, 2006

NCAA 2007 Preview

This upcoming football season, we will be offering our RavishingRickNCAAPreview, as a free service to our readers. We begin our 115-team preview in the MEAC.


Suit looking real sharp
Original King of Coach
Style and profile, son.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Modern Day Aphrodite

Goddess of rapture,
Your ass sunk a thousand ships
Mad About Your Thong

A Twister of cloth
Gender agrees: Your thong is
As Good As it Gets

Alone in a park
You are with me, cheetah thong
Crumpled jeans scream "why?"

Paul Reiser's fuck toy
I long to reach out and grab
Her sweet sweet sweet can

Nature's soft whisper
"Take off your blue jeans, Helen.
Let the leopard free"

Everytime he writes a column, a puppy goes to Hell

Do not click this link if you don't know who Chuck Klosterman is. You are not smart enough to get Chuck Klosterman's jokes. Humans are physically incapable of such action.

References to
Post-structuralists? I wretch.
Chuck, I hate your guts

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

In case you are as blind as Anne Frank

Sun rises in East.
Tax day is April 15th.
Lance Bass: huge homo.

Das ist Keine Schtockenblocken!!

I'm a Nowitness
The ghost of Hasselhof moans
"Upgrade your cooze, Dirk"

Monday, July 24, 2006

Strahan Shenanigans. Strahanigans?

300 Pound Voyeur

Gap-toothed peeping tom
Girls, he voyeurs as you poop
Mike likes your panties

Friday, July 21, 2006

Movie reviews for the weekend

My love for you is
Like a truck. Berzerker. Do
You want to make fuck?

Cinematic Gold
Yo, Casablanca. Bow Down!
Best Movie EVA

Im Owen, so cute.
Look at my zany antics.
You, me and Dupree

Is it a bird? No.

Is it a plane? No. Just a

Homo in a cape.

The White Jermaine Dupri

Stevie Canada.
True MBP *. Place your
tongue on his chest hairs

* Editors note: This is not a typo. MBP stands for Most Ballingest Playa not MVP which I am not exactly sure what that stands for.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Hey Shea, nice baby
Here, take my Nobel Peace Prize
Check the cut list, ass.

I see injured 14 year olds

Prepubescent star
Nice 95 Saturn, Bro
Have fun in traction

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The style we create. Straight 2008.

Definition. Class:
n. Kevin Federline, a
wolf in sheep's clothing.

Schwarzkopf wants Holyfield!!

The "date" won't be blind
Though my speed will be blinding.
One on one Challenge.

Your jump shot is weak
Name the place and I'll be there
Can't stop my jump hook

No "Pistons" teammates.
My footwork? Impeccable.
You won't draw iron.

Everybody Hates
Chris and The War at Home? No.
Just you versus me

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Terrible Lizard, Schmerrible Lizard


One Big Skeleton
Carl, what you think it is?
"Man, that dog is huge"

Carl Everett? Who?
Let me read Leviticus...
Nope, he don't exist.

Look at the picture he is really crying.

Oh Gods of baseball
NL East bows before thee
Slay Chipper's first son.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Sexy Beast

He lurks through the wild
Shhhh!.Quiet, you can hear him
Invent internet.

In my world I'll break your face

Patterson. Brisco.
Sleeveless referee jersey
What you got? No chance.

You know what really grinds my gears?

How far is heaven?
Get off of my radio
And get a real job

Escucha Amigo
Tu me hace enfermo
Stop smiling Asshole

Inflated Pigskins, beware

Dubuque to Des Moines
You're with Tom, leather helmet.
The Best Damn Hawkeye

Friday, July 14, 2006

Buffie the Body better Call Somebody

Sir Mix-A-Lot knew
Ahead of his time...BUFFY
Yearn to spread the cheeks

Buns of steel? That's lame.
King magazine's best-seller
Redefines beauty.

A true friend and more importantly a true gentleman

Mythic warrior
Barbaro, my only friend
The bell tolls for thee

Thursday, July 13, 2006

White She-Devil Strikes Again

Undercover bro?
Not me. I'm riding dirty
Lookit them titties

Man, I am so bored.
Manipulate genitals?
Porn's best at 60.

Captain Coppola's Mandolin

His boundless beauty
Tugs at heartstrings and melts ore.
I must draw Nick Cage.

Bumbling Stumbling Tumbling

Drunk, Sweaty, Hulking
Bhhmp. Bhhmp. Bhhmp.* I stalk my pray
I'm now with leather.

I take leather home
From behind. Pull out on her
Back Back Back Back Back

Looking for leather
Sausage Party?!?!?! How bout a
BJ, Bill Pidto?

*Editors note. These are the same noises that Mike Alstott makes on a 3 yard run up the middle.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Has it really been one year?

Allow me to break form for a moment.

We live in a world rife with uncertainty. With the threat of terrorism always looming above our daily lives, we face difficult decisions on how to manage our grief, but continue to press on. Is even one year too soon? How long should a society suffer in silence? At what point must we attempt to move on with our lives? These are all questions that would run through my head as I tossed and turned during countless sleepless nights over the past year. Has it really been a year since they almost took Omarion away from us? Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have bad days, but I think it is finally time to discuss the tragic events of last year in a public forum. Below is my journal from the past twelve months. Please join me in honoring one of our true heroes and his triumph over the Axis of Evil.

July, 2005
Oh what a dark day.
Many lie dead in the streets.
Who cares? He's still fly.

August, 2005
Osama, nice try.
Your best shot. Hes still alive
B2K 4 life

September, 2005
Why must god be cruel.
Leave Omarion behind.
Take my only son

October, 2005
Tragedy? For Sure
Some say its not a big deal
Watch You Got Served

November, 2005
The war on terror
Its all too real now. Do not
Mess with R + B

December, 2005
Omarion is fine.
By the grace of God. But still,
Please pray for his soul

January, 2006
A bomb? Who died? Oh.
Is Omarion okay?
Whew! That was too close.

February, 2006
World's best publicist.
I demand to know his health!!
R and B lives on.

March, 2006
Hey you! Terrorist!
Take all of the Brits you want.
Leave Omarion.

April, 2006
Loud noise. Flash of light.
Panic. Chaos. My first thought:
How's Omarion?

May, 2006
Ask yourself, Saddam,
Seventy virgins are worth
No Omarion?

June, 2006
Omarion's Fine!!
What? Other folks in London?
Shut up, no one cares

The Ballad of Don Canada

Nice body, ho-bag
Here, take these genital warts
I'm Ron Mexico

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Ode to Big Johnson Part Deux

Cut off jean shorts. Check
Hat with a ponytail. Check.
Need Big Johnson T.

The greatest video game ever

Hey,you old pervert,
Why you at computer? Oh,
Leisure Suit Larry

Ode to Big Johnson

Seems tame? Look again.
Big Johnson. Double entendree.
Poker in the rear.

Most Anticipated Movie of the Summer

Left on your doorstep.
He is quite the thief. Careful,
He will fuck your wife.

CP is you with me?

Basement stripper pole.
Raspberry beret. I joke.
Regardless, Touchdowns.

CP, you crazy!!
Sweatshirt under my sport coat
Go on with those jokes!

The Modern-Day Aphrodite

The deaf angel sits
Human perfection, she is
Foxy Brown? Sexy.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Charles in Charge

Mom. Dad. Bros 1 and 2. Smile!!!
Beautiful Family.

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Don't be afraid. Why?
Haiku ruckus to your dome
Feel free to comment.

Keep with the pattern
It is 5-7-5. Do not
Dishonor my craft.

Also, never write
About nature or the wind
Shove it, tree-hugger

First times a charm

1 white linen suit
plus 1 beautiful moustache
thats how you stay fly