History of Haiku: Although there were attempts outside Japan to imitate the old haiku in the early 1900s, there was little genuine understanding of its principles. In mid-2006, two White Poet Warlords discovered the science of haiku and fought to make it their own.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Caucasian Celebration: A Pictoral History of NBA White Guys
Our first currently active White Guy, Brian Cardinal would surely have made this list no matter what NBA era he played in. Fortunately for us, the advantage of playing during the Internet Age is that evidence of your unathleticism, facemask-wearing, and relative comic ineptitude (or if you're a hack sportswriter, "hustle", "grit", and "court intelligence") is available online.
Let's step through "The Custodian"'s qualifications for the Alabaster Hall:
Those are great, but the clincher for Cardinal has to be this comically mismatched "highlight" reel. If the best tape on you includes ill-advised layups, fundamental defense, and jumpers of 17 feet or more, chances are you are either white or a WNBA All-Star.
While somewhat of a novelty at 7'5'', Chuck Nevitt's undeniable whiteness makes him a shoo-in for this tribute list. Some of the most robust NBA White Guy Attributes are thin stature, comically short shorts, and thick, lustrous mustaches, all of which Chuck sported in spades.
Look we are still trying to figure out what kind of content to post on this blog. We dont want to be some shitty website that just gathers other links from the internet and adds some pithy commentary (I'm looking at you cnn.com and npr.org). We really want to challenge our readership's mind and give you something to think about.
Answer this question for me
You have a time machine but in order to go back in time you have to make a pitstop to watch yourself be conceived. You will be like the Ghost of Christmas Past and will see the entire sexual act but your parents cannot see you. Once your have finished watching your parents consummate the act you will be free to travel to any one destination and back to the present time. If you were created in a test tube or a petri dish, this time machine is not interested in you and you will be unable to partake. Do you use it?
Call it apocryphal. Call it revisionist history. Call it "making things up". But most scholars maintain that Jon Koncak is the Jackie Robinson of White Guys in the NBA. He wasn't a novelty like Shawn Bradley or flashy like The Birdman or even a glue guy like Greg Kite. No, Koncak broke the Talent Barrier for White Guys, proving over his eleven year career that there would always be a role on NBA teams for oafish cornbread to average less than five points a game and eat some minutes while the guys who got paid to win games grabbed a breather.
Johnny Contract even brought a dose of the real world to the NBA in 1989 when he signed a 6 year, $13 million deal that paid him more than two more qualified brothers named Magic and MJ. Also, as if he wasn't white enough, he's an Eagle Scout.
Marty Conlon shot 687 free throws in his sallow nine year career, each one of which caused every black guy in the area to laugh and shake their heads. Remember that time when you were 11 and shooting around alone in your yard and your Mom came out to play with you because she thought you were lonely and didn't want you to grow up to be a serial killer? Remember how she shot free throws? She got her form from watching Marty Conlon.
As if to seal his position in Caucasian Celebration, Marty was named captain of the Irish National Team after his NBA career ended, where his free throws were mocked considerably less frequently.
I believe in God. I believe that I was put on earth to do something, to do God's work. Now, after watching LOST and UVA basketball on back to back nights, I am 100% confident that my destiny is to fix UVA basketball. If Craig Littlepage and the momos on UVA Board of Trustees follow my simple 5 point plan, UVA players will be celebrating national championships and getting arrested for illegally owning guns in no time.
1. Banish Will Sherrill and Calvin Baker. Not just from the team but from the state and hopefully the country. These talentless losers have no business being members of our society and under no circumstances should they playing intercollegiate athletics, unless they are playing murderball for the University of Tehran (I am not talking about the cute, inspiring, paraplegic game. I am talking about some sort of fucked up post- apocalyptic Iranian game where these two have to make shots under the threat of machine gun fire ala ‘Escape from L.A.’). If Calvin Baker played basketball like George lived his life in "The Opposite" he would be a 2nd team all-American. Since we know that every single basketball impulse he has in his stupid fucking body is wrong the opposite must be right.
2. Make public humiliation and shame cornerstones of the program. We need to emulate Kentucky and Kansas in this respect. If you fuck up the end of the game at Kansas, Dr. Bill Self will shit all over the Hippocratic Oath by doctoring your medical records to show that you have genital herpes and reveal those records to the entire student body. In Kentucky, if you fuck up, you know that John Calipari will, with his own hands, mangle your genitalia and take a picture of it and send it to every girl that you have ever considered or would consider sleeping with. Currently at UVA, a similar offense will get you a Venti Peppermint Latte at the Alderman Library Greenberry's from your Women's Studies TA. Simple solution: exhume Sam Kinison and make him Team Psychologist
3. Only recruit orphans. This is really simple. UVA recruits kids from good homes whose parents hug them and have jobs and marriages and career goals. Fuck that. When a kid has a family, how do you know where their loyalties lie? We need our players to depend on us for food, shelter, and FAMILY. Once we have them completely dependent on us we will hold their scholarships over their head like the sword of Damacles.
4. Offer a masters program and doctorate in AAU basketball coaching. We can even give AAU coaches honorary degrees or honorary tracksuits at halftime as well as busts that sit in the JPJ for as long as their players go to UVA. Then once their stars leave, the busts and tracksuits are removed until they provide another star recruit.
5. Use Mustapha Farrakhan’s ties to the Nation of Islam to our advantage. UVA needs to fill the entire front row under each end of the basket with militant black men who just stare angrily and have their arms crossed. That alone has to be good for a 10 point swing against Duke
Close your eyes. Picture the stereotypical white NBA player. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Tight Jazz shorts, milky white thighs. He is from somewhere ordinary like Des Moines, Iowa. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? Bobby Hansen? Wrong. It's Chuck D. Surprised? Well shame on you.